I hear woman calling themselves their boyfriend’s “wifey” quite frequently as they reveal that they are babysitting his children or helping him pay to get his car fixed. Heck, I have even been that girl in the past. Although serving as an educator and dealing with emotional parents as well as being a young mother myself, I never wanted to risk being another woman’s proxy so I stayed away from his children. Another thing I have never done was live with a boyfriend to whom I wasn’t engaged. The result, four proposals and one roommate. Did those proposals come from my not giving too much or did the weddings not happen because I didn’t give enough?
Lucy O’Brian whom has written many articles on relationships at Ezinearticles.com believes that women who give too much in relationships tend to push the man away because:
If you give too much without requiring that you receive in return,
he may well take your generous gifts but he will know subconsciously
that you undervalue yourself. He will lose respect for you early on.
He may well take advantage but then he will probably leave.
This is because giving too much tends to come from a sense of neediness
and inadequacy. If I give more, he will love me more. If I do more
he will appreciate me more. She gives because she does not want
to lose the relationship that gives her purpose. She is frightened to say no to
him in case he gets upset and dumps her.
Some examples Lucy gives as doing “too much” are:
Doing his laundry
Lending him money and
giving him gifts
Or sleeps with him too soon.
She may put her own life on hold so she is always available to him and
gives in to his last minute requests and demands.
I know what some of your maybe thinking, those are just two women’s opinions. Okay then how about some research from a leader in relationships – eHarmony.com? In eHarmony’s advice column, the staff explored this concept in a piece that explores “Can you love too much?” It presented some pros and cons findings of ‘Smothering’ vs. ‘Loving”. The following is some of their advice:
Smothering demands. When you smother, you constantly ask about
the future, insisting on specific answers and results. You also demand attention or reassurance from the other person, requiring repeated statements of proof of their commitment level or feelings for you.
Love patiently waits. When you love, you enjoy the present,
allowing the other person and the relationship to progress at a
comfortable pace. You wait for both of you to become ready for
a certain level of intimacy, instead of asking for premature answers
or commitments that can put pressure on the other person and
scare him or her away.
Sound familiar? All too often I have heard women say that they gave their boyfriend an ultimatum like “I want to be married before I am 33, so I can still have kids and if you don’t want the same, then stop wasting my time!” I have even heard men admit that they just “fell” into an engagement. Huh? How do you fall into marriage or a relationship? We will explore that topic on a later date.
See if this one hits close to home for you or someone you know.
Smothering tells another what to think or do. When you smother
another person, you tell them who they should and shouldn’t spend time with. You check up on where they’re going. You expect them to behave in ways you want them to behave, sometimes even through manipulation.
Love respects and encourages autonomy. Loving someone means allowing others to be fully themselves. Of course it’s true that in a relationship, two people rub off on each other and help each other
grow and evolve, but this process needs to be built on respect and
appreciation for each person’s individuality.
Take an honest look ladies. Be strong and do the work in order to do better.